Sincerely Hannah
by Anarchist's Rose
Summary: A page from Hannah's diary in a hard time in her life, right before everyone went to the lodge. One-Shot. Cover created by PeterJefferyPan.
**This story is dedicated to my Big, Shakira. You are beautiful, wonderful and one of the reasons I haven't gone crazy this semester. Thank you for listening to me crying for the past few hours. I know you won't read this story until later, seeing as you haven't finished the game yet, but when you do, just know I appreciate everything.**

Diary,

I write this entry tonight knowing no one will ever see it, yet I never have wanted anything in my diary to be seen more. I cannot watch as the days go by me anymore, the days where I feel lonely, afraid, depressed, anxious, unloved, unappreciated... How can I love people so much when they treat me so horribly? I've always been there for them, I've always offered to help them when they needed help, I've taken care of their drunk asses multiple times, but still I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if I'm depressed or not.

On the surface everyone thinks they know me. Everyone thinks I am this sweet, mild natured, virgin, little girl who would bend over backwards just because she likes to help people. If people don't know me, they're surprised to see me cry. If I consider myself close to them, then they've seen me cry more times than I'd like to admit. It's very possible I need to seek mental help of some type. What happens if they say I'm fine, though? Does that make me dramatic? Am I belittling everyone who has a mental health issue just because I'm upset because I feel like a third wheel in my own life?

Jessica and Emily. I should start with them, diary. I thought we were friends. I thought we understood we were all equal, that when we're around one another, I'm not just someone to be picked on. I'm as much of a person as they are. I cannot be treated like... like... crap. Jessica puts forth the effort, at least. She tries to act as a sort of mediator, but if she has an opportunity to poke fun at me, she'll take it. She's never the instigator, though, not like Emily. She obviously has a favorite out of the two of us, and it's Jessica, and I don't mind. I'm aware of where I fall on the totem pole. It's Emily and Jessica, then me. I feel like she keeps me around because I know she can push me around, like her own personal broom. She does just enough nice things for me to keep me in constant doubt, but some of the ways she treats me and disrespects are nearly unforgivable.

Why are boys so... so... oblivious? Matt and Chris have acted as brothers of sort since they've come into my life, though Chris has been in my life a lot longer. They should notice when I'm about to go over the edge, when I'm about to breakdown and go somewhere I never feel like I can crawl back from, so darkness that pulls me in and will never let me escape. I wish they would come and help me, save me from myself, sooner, before I'm already gone. By that points, it's usually too late. I've already disappeared into the voids of my mind, where I just want to escape and be alone.

Sam and Ashley, diary, I'd be lost without them. I don't know what I would do! Between the two of them, someone always says something right, even if it's Ashley's modest honesty, that is telling me that I messed up, but this is how I can fix it, or Sam's unconditional love that causes her to see me as near perfect. I can't imagine life without them. I will call one of them, usually Sam, anytime I need to cry over what has happened in my life. They are sympathetic. I trust them. They are a safety net. We mess with each other, talk about boys with one another, day dream about what we're going to do when we all are adults... Diary, I need them.

If my life had some worth, something worth living for, it would be for Josh and Beth. We all lean on one another, keep each other safe, close... We have our own world that no one will ever know, because they aren't us. We all work together, like a kingdom. Josh would be the king, the leader, making all the choices, Beth the knight, protecting and acting as guardian. In this kingdom, I'm the princess. We all depend on one another. Josh leads us, Beth protects us, and I... I... am there. Diary, what am I here for? We all work together, and I know Josh and Beth would go crazy if anything were to happen to me, and I would go crazy if anything happened to them, but there's nothing I'd be able to do.

If I had a prince that would be something, diary. Mike could be my prince. He smiles at me in the hallway. I always feel helpful when I'm around him. I could do anything he needs in a second. I've been falling for him, Diary. I've been falling for Michael Monroe, and there's nothing I could do about it. He's too wrapped up in Emily. He's too good for her. She's my friend, but I know when someone is too good for someone else. Both of them may be... active... sexually... both engaging in multiple partners (I've heard this from both of them) but that doesn't mean they're necessarily bad people. Mike pays attention to me, asks me how I'm doing every time he copies off my homework, smiles at me when he;s completed it. We may brush hands when our fingers touch, and I feel sparks sometimes.

Diary, I need to be honest. I have no reason to dislike my life when so many others have it so much worse. I have friends who would do anything for me, a family that loves me, people I can, if nothing else, blame for my problems, so why do I feel so awful? Is my life really so terrible? Diary, I need to find answers to this. We're going to the lodge this week, and there, I'll discover where everyone really stands, I'm sure. Is everyone really my friend, or are they just pretending so they can have access to the mountain, lodge and money? For some reason, Diary, this week feels like it is going to be completely unforgettable.

Sincerely,

Hannah

 **I had a super terrible day today, if you all can't tell from the story, and after crying, screaming, washing all the dishes that were piling up in my sink, I sat down and wrote it out. This might not be the best written story, or even the one I'm most proud of, but I am glad I wrote it. I usually relate to Ashley more in my stories, but tonight I decided to write as Hannah, seeing as she is more likely to be in a more vulnerable place. Let me know what you think!**


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